Almost a Movie Review : The Amazing Spider-Man

by on July 7, 2012

Thoughts on Super-heroes

Almost a Movie Review:

 The Amazing Spider-Man 

 by Chris Wilson

 I bet you, the worst part about being a super-hero, is when you save a boy from the floor of a burning building and return him to his parents, and then have to stand there, awkwardly waiting for a ‘thank-you’ while his parents hug him. You’d just be standing there, being ignored. Even some polite, meaningful eye-contact from the parents in that situation would be acceptable. Something that says, “Thank-you for saving my son, I’ll be with you in a minute. I don’t mean to be rude, but I thought my son was going to die. I’m just so happy to have him back, that this hugging thing needs to be top priority right now, y’know?”. And y’would know. You’d understand. You’d feel appreciated, and acknowledged. But of course, there would  be no polite, meaningful eye-contact. Only hugging. And waiting. Hugging and waiting for a ‘thank-you’ that quite frankly, might never even come. I bet that’s the worst part…

As a child I always thought Spider-Man had the best super-powers. But as an adult, I’ll often lay awake in bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering what super-powers I would have, given the choice. And yes, I know, we’ve all heard that common saying, “You don’t choose your super-powers. Your super-powers choose you”, but let’s pretend, just this once, that you had a choice. Okay?

 1) Teleportation could be fun. (the transfer of matter from one point to another without traversing the physical space between them). I’m often late for appointments and I feel this would solve most of my problems. Plus, if I were to just teleport to different spots in the sky, over and over again, well then guess what? Now I’m flying. Now I have two super-powers, because I thought outside the box a bit.

2)  Having the ability to do really great impressions has always been high on my list, but I worry that I would run out of funny things to say while doing them. So that’s out…

3) Clearing people’s nasal passages would be a nice power. That way I wouldn’t have to listen to anyone breathe through their nose when they’re eating a chicken ceasar wrap. (I’m currently in a coffee shop, and the man beside me has some horrible nose breath, and is eating a chicken ceasar wrap). So.. ridding the world of nose breath. That would be nice.

4)  Being able to get American Netflix. I hear its way better.

5) Maybe I’d rather have a super-villain power. Well, I think having the power to give people that little tiny itch on the bottom of their foot would be one of the meanest  powers out there.

As you can see, there are so many great choices, and its a very difficult decision to make. I do however, already feel that my super-villain power is not being able to say ‘congratulations’ without sounding sarcastic. It can be a real problem.

The most unbelievable part about any superhero, is how they manage to fashion amazing costumes almost overnight. Its nice to know, that when a super-hero gets his powers, he also gets the ability to conjure up fantastic spandex suits. Its a two-for-one deal apparently.  A note for directors: when I watch a super-hero movie, I want more cut scenes of suit making. Whole scenes with a character in front of a sewing machine, please. I want to see couch sitting, and I want to see them crocheting spandex on that couch. It’s what I need. 

If these superheroes really are making their own costumes, then they’re letting their talents go to waste. They need to be in fashion design, sharing their true gifts with the world. If I could make clothes out of thread, or whatever clothes are made of (Probably yarn), I would. But I can’t. I’m a terrible sewer, and I have no idea what I’m doing.

  True story: I once went to the grocery store to buy a needle and thread. I didn’t know where to look, so I went straight to the “feminine care” section. There was no needle and thread there. Only me, standing there, feeling sexist and dumb. I don’t feel good about it. But it happened.

I just hate seeing true talent go to waste.

Oh, and I saw The Amazing Spider-Man the other day. It was alright. There was no reason the movie needed to be remade. But it happened. If you want to just watch the first Spider-Man movie with Toby Maguire again, do that. It’s about the same.

I give The Amazing Spider-Man: Two big ‘Nose Breaths’ out of 5.





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