Almost a Movie Review
By Chris Wilson
Synopsis: TED is the story of a boy, who’s childhood teddy bear magically comes to life and then never leaves. They grow up, are the best of friends, and then they party with drugs regularly. I never had this relationship with my stuffed animals. I never got to know them. I have some things I would like to say to them.
An apology to the stuffed animals of my childhood,
We were never meant to last, you and I. We were too young. Too stupid. I cast you aside early on for cooler toys; Ninja Turtles, Pirate themed Lego, and Mario. How could you compete? With your vacant plastic stare and lack of mobile arms, you just sat there, at the end of my bed. You were just pieces of fabric, sewn together to look like a bear, and then stuffed with cotton.
God you were boring. You know what little boys like to play with? Awesome things holding swords. You know what little boys don’t like to play with? Pieces of cotton. You forced me to use my imagination, but refused to give inspiration. Where were your ‘shooty parts’? Your ‘snap-together’ bits? You huge veiny biceps? Anything that could shoot a projectile across the floor to be lost under the stove forever? Where were they?
It was not your fault, stuffed animals. It was mine. And Mario’s. A lot of fault can be placed on Mario. He was easy. He was practically giving fun away for free. Mario made fun simple, and playing with you was a challenge.
I regret the way it ended with us. I left you behind with no goodbye. No warning. I tossed you into a box and threw you into the basement. You didn’t deserve that. I wish I treated you better. I owe you all an individual apology.
To Paddington Bear,
You loved marmalade and to this day I don’t really know what that is. I’m sorry I wasn’t open enough in our relationship to even try it. I’m sure its great. I’ve been ‘perving’ pictures of you on the internet lately. You look good. Just like I remember. I see you’re selling yourself on ebay for around 300 dollars. That’s fantastic. As a child, I wish I had known your future worth, before I ripped off your hat, coat, and boots, stretched them out, and wore them as my own. I left you naked on the floor, and then pranced around you in your own clothes. I’m an asshole, and I’m sorry. I like money, and had I known I could sell you now, for lots of it, I would have treated you better. I would have loved you, cared for you, and then sold you.
I never knew what you were exactly. With your rippled snout, facial moles, eight stomachs and penchant for eating cats, I could never really relate to you. I heard you were funny; a television star, but I never saw that side of you. The fault however, is my own. I didn’t make the effort. I never supported your art. I didn’t even attempt to appreciate your talents. I’m positive we would have had a lot in common.
I’m sorry I cut all your hair. I felt that your shaggy hair looked dumb and I wanted to help. I did not help. You looked much worse, and then there was nothing that could be done about it. I’m sorry. I’m sure you are also a collectors item now, and I bet I could have sold you.
To Punkin Head,
I treated you the worst of all. Now, in my defense, let me say that eight year old boys, on the brink of adolescence are disgusting. That’s not to say we grow out of that. It’s just were it starts.
I’m sorry I humped you, Punkin Head. The act was all very innocent and naive. I didn’t know what I was doing. Sometimes boys just need to press it against things. Its natural. We all did it. Its part of growing up. Sometimes it’s a pillow. Sometimes it’s the floor.
<—-Sometimes its a pocket in the side of a teddy bear…
I’m sorry it was you.
but COME ON! Are you serious with that thing!? Your packaging boasts “a tummy that can hold little treasures.” COME. ON. Even as an eight year old boy, knowing nothing about anything, I still looked at that ‘little treasure pocket’ and said, “…I know what I’m going to put in there…”.
Id never say you were “asking” for it. I’m just saying you were “inviting” it. Look at it! How could I not put it inside that soft, tight hump-pocket?
I’m sorry. We were intimate, and then I cast you aside. I threw you in that big cardboard box, and forgot about you quickly.
We were not meant to last.
Clearly I was growing up fast.
I’m sorry, stuffed animals. I treated you poorly, yet you were still always there for me. I am grateful for our time together. Thank you for the memories
Punkin head: Call me.
TED Review: 2 pillow humps out of 5
Other “Almost Movie Reviews”: The Amazing Spider-Man.
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